Archive for September, 2003
What a great week. I’m tired but hap-hap-happy. With the random things that happen to me – why don’t I go to more shows? Last night was Ludo at the Liquid Lyrics Lounge in Madison. Noelle and Brandi met me there – nice to see them – I’m so glad I made it out despite the previous night’s exhaustion. The Ludo boys were super cute and excited that I was there (if you’re reading this, hi!) – the show was a lot of fun and I’ve been listening to the album since I left.
Thinking about shows and Almost Famous the last two days. From an interview with Damien:
“When I go onstage, and I get this from when I went busking, I love the gigs most of all when I get so lost inside, that the audience doesn’t matter. But actually I’m doing it for them. When I go see someone play what I want to see is someone who is not trying to impress or entertain me… they do what they do so truly that I am lost in them, because they are lost in themselves.”
That is why I love music. The scene in Almost Famous that always, always gets me is towards the end – Fairuza Balk’s character is talking to Billy Crudup about “the new girls” – how they don’t take birth control and eat all the steak – but more importantly that “They don’t even know what it is to be a fan. Y’know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts.” And at that point, I’m reduced to tears. I know – I know. I know what it is to love a silly little piece of music so much that it hurts. How else to explain the visceral memories of Amsterdam, the fact that I’m still writing and rewriting those days and adventures – the way the right chord sequence or soaring voice will just rip my heart out – the way I get totally lost in the moment, in a concert, in a cd – the way that “Sister Awake” transfixes me every single fucking time? Sometimes I find it incredible that I didn’t/haven’t ended up in a career that involves music because it is in so many ways the currency of my memory.
So, in honor of all this, my top ten shows:
1. The Tea Party – Melkveg, Amsterdam – 9 February 2000
Hands down the best musically – on the list – front and center – my whole body shaking
2. The Tea Party – Nighttown, Rotterdam – 10 February 2000
After Amsterdam, before the jam, having spent the entire night out with Trevor – my last Tea Party show for so so long
3. Damien Rice – Park West, Chicago – 23 September 2003
Amazing – the album means so much to me that the intimacy of the show only heightened the emotional effect
4. VAST – The Metro, Chicago – October 2000
My first VAST show – Jon is commandingly intense and insanely beautiful – feels like he’s only looking at you.
5. Tool – Alliant Energy Center, Madison – 8 September 2001
A driving, pounding intensity – several thousand people held in their sway – just dancing and moving near the front, letting the music move me
6. The Tea Party – Brixton Academy, London – 6 February 2000
A night of such joy – the first night on the list – so so many people there for Queensryche that leave raving about Tea Party.
7. VAST – House of Blues, Chicago – November 2000
VAST is headlining a sold out show – up front in vinyl – the music is fun, the audience is better, a guitar pick from Jon and a bag of pretzels from Justin – they remember me next time.
8. Pigface – The Rave, Milwaukee – December 2001
What a great time – always unpredictable, always super cool – Seibold and Curse and Godhead – and oh fuck, they’re playing “Suck” and the entire venue is bouncing and screaming.
9. Arlo Guthrie – Milwaukee – April 1999
He plays “Amazing Grace” and Kevin and I just cry.
10. The Tea Party – Barrymore Theatre, Madison – 17 November 1997
The first introduction to The Tea Party and the bass is so heavy I have to go outside or get sick. Moved physically before emotionally – the beginning of great things.
So my conclusion is that there needs to be a better term for “female fan that follows a band around but doesn’t necessarily sleep with them” than “groupie.” I’m not a groupie, not even with some of my sketchier band-related adventures. I like “band aid” better – but there has to be something better still. I’m a fan. That’s all.
September 24th, 2003
Damien. Rice. was. fucking. incredible.
Seriously, one of the best shows I’ve ever been to. Incredible. If you have the chance to go see him, GO. He is only going to get bigger. The venue was perfect – intimate – the music overwhelming – Damien fucking amazing – he covered the Buckley version of “Hallelujah” and “Glory Box.” I cried during Hallelujah and literally about lost it when he ended with “Glory Box.” What more can I say? Actually I probably will say more, but that’s enough for now.
After the show Shawn and I walked down Clark for a while – got some food at a pasta place – I had gnocchi in a rosemary gorgonzola sauce. Yum. We went to Neo – there were literally six of us there – two people dancing, two people at the bar, two people hanging out in the corner (us). I haven’t been there in so so long – I miss it. I love Neo because you can be anyone or anything there and no one cares. Tuesday night, around 11:30, and there was a guy in a skirt dancing in the middle of the empty dance floor – his girl sitting by the wall reading. After some wanderings around (and finding some horses!!), we located my car (I was parked on a not-through one-way) and headed home – I stopped for a Krispy Kreme donut. A wonderful, wonderful night. “I can’t take my eyes off of you…”
September 23rd, 2003
“Slowly I have realized that I do not have to be qualified to do what I am asked to do, that I just have to go ahead and do it, even if I can’t do it as well as I think it ought to be done. This is one of the most liberating lessons of my life.”
Madeleine L’Engle, And It Was Good
I ask simply – give me strength.
September 20th, 2003
We might live like never before
When there’s nothing to give
Well how can we ask for more
We might make love in some sacred place
The look on your face is delicate
–Damien Rice, “Delicate”
This article is sort of hit or miss – some parts are really wonderful, others more mundane – and it really speaks to the sort of communion I am seeking – by myself, with others, with life in general. I want that intense intimacy – that love for all things – that sense of knowing and truly being known.
September 20th, 2003
I don’t know if I’ve ever been this tired in my entire life. My whole body feels drained – emotionally, physically, mentally. I just want to sleep for days on end. I’m wondering if some of this is Lexapro withdrawal. I don’t want to – but maybe I should start taking it again just until my life is a little more stable.
Going to Madison to see Dave Attell and Lewis Black in Madison tonight. I’m going to have to go home and sleep before we go – the show isn’t until 10:30 and there’s NO way I’ll make it otherwise.
On the bright side, I do officially have a lease – and a phone number and long distance. While signing up for long distance I found out exactly what all those calling card calls are going to cost me – HOLY FUCK – but I’ll deal with that bill when it comes. Now I’m doing fun things like making lists of Things To Do in preparation for the move. A little preemptive, I know, but I’ll feel better if things are (relatively) in order. At the top of the list for the week of 9/29/03: MOVE. And for those keeping track, a countdown clock, courtesy of my friend Clint.
September 19th, 2003
A lovely weekend of reading and friends and sunshine and cats and movies and free free free books. My stack in Sarah and Hannah’s garage is growing ever-larger. Makes me happy. I have probably one carload left at Nate’s, then furniture.
Interview today with Busey Bank. I’m not a career banker, but it would pay the bills. Maybe. We’ll see. Still no word from the CPL, but I did hear from the landlord about the apartment I love. As long as I have a good cosigner, I’m in!
A busy day at work – well, not inordinately busy. Dan and I wrote up a WHOLE LOT of transfers, only for me to discover that there was a lot of overlap in what we did – so about half the transfers didn’t actually have to be written up – at least not by both of us. Damn my aching shoulders. At least we get free food tomorrow.
Still not quite done with The Drawing of the Three, but if I have ANY chance to read tonight, I’ll finish. I meant to finish it Thursday night but watched the extended edition of Fellowship of the Ring. Mmm, Aragorn.
So I revealed this weekend that I can’t multiply, I’m awful at Scrabble, and I am on occasion late for social engagements due to Lord of the Rings. And somehow I still have friends? How does that work?
September 16th, 2003
An anniversary. I can’t decide if I give these things credence or not. There are things we should never forget – but where do we draw the boundary line between never forgetting and always remembering?
Can one be addicted to blogging? I find myself wanting to write about so many things, both intimate and ridiculous, and have to exert restraint to not do so.
News of the day: Dan has started a blog. I am drinking cranberry juice and wanting to take my shoes off. Tonight I’m making Indian food of some sort – chicken and jasmine rice. I’m half done with The Drawing of the Three, which I expect to finish tonight. Last night was the first real night of un-Ambiened sleep in six weeks. On the edge of such uncertainty, my life has become rather calm.
September 11th, 2003
Good Lord, moving is a pain in the arse. I could’ve told you that several times over – but this time it’s almost worse. At least when we moved into the house we had places to put our stuff – now I’m moving by carload – and each carload has to sit in my car until I can get to Sarah and Hannah’s. Which means that the stuff in my car will have to sit there until Friday night at the earliest. Ugh. I super appreciate Nate letting me come by last night – and all the packing he and Joe have done for me – but it still sucks to have yet another week with my car full of crap. And it’s not like my stuff has a home – it will just sit in the garage until I find a home. Which I am no
closer to than I was a week ago.
Reason #4,098,531 to love my sister: she brought me donuts from Edwards Apple Orchard.
Started reading The Gunslinger from The Dark Tower series last night after Dan AND Jim AND Shawn recommended it. Actually I wasn’t totally won over until Shawn sent the books home with me. Who am I to argue with loaned books? Really. Thus far it’s good – fairly engrossing, though some plot points are a bit plodding. I suppose I should just be grateful that there are no cars from another dimension…..yet.
September 9th, 2003
I forgot that, oh yeah, everyone wants interview questions. A good thing to keep me busy. Enjoy, kids.
An interview for Kate, the most fabulous diva ever:
1. What is the best thing about living in Tejas other than your family?
2. Describe the ultimate Diva Kate Punk Rock Show.
3. Why journalism instead of interior design?
4. Why pirates?
5. Where do you see yourself in five years?
An interview for The D, as published by Vinny the Fish:
1. Again, explain the difference between house and techno.
2. Why come back to Rockford after SIU? Why stay here?
3. How do you sleep? (As in, on your back, on your side, wearing pants, etc.)
4. If you were a Chuck Palahniuk character, who would you be? Really think about this one.
5. Who is more scandalous: you or Scandalous Pants? And why?
An interview for Heidi, the original Aussie PW, to inaugurate her to-be-announced blog:
1. I know you’re very proud to be an Aussie. Tell me five great things about being Australian.
2. What’s your favorite food memory of America?
3. Jeff Martin, Jeff Burrows, or Stuart Chatwood? and why?
4. You’ve been travelling intermittently since I met you. Where’s your favorite place and why?
5. Give me a good “Hello America” opener.
I fell down Jen’s stairs last night. That was exciting and now my ass is sore. Not so exciting.
Finished Lullaby last night, which was really fucking good. Not as messed up as Choke, which is good cos I don’t think I could handle much more of that particular brand of insanity. Can’t decide if Chuck is totally fucking insane – or really, really normal. I’m leaning towards the former. This total reading blitz has been nice – I’m almost done with Letters to a Young Poet and will probably start The Gold Bug Variations today.
I told my mom last night. I cried and cried and cried. I was so worried about disappointing them – I’ve always been worried about that – and I know that in doing what I’ve done, I’ve seriously let them down. I asked “Do you still love me?” Mom said “Yes, of course. Just because we’re disappointed doesn’t stop us from loving you. Or taking care of you. Or coming alongside our child when she’s hurting.” That was the answer I knew she’d give – but it was good to actually hear it. I told her I wanted them to take back the money they’d given us for the house – instead of it coming out of the remainder of my “college fund,” my dad had just given us the money outright. I know he wanted me to have the other money in case of an emergency – but I can’t feel right about that. I’m willing to take that loss. It’s not a pride thing – it’s a “my parents wasted a huge amount of money” thing. I don’t think I’ll recoup the down payment from Nate – I don’t really want to. I mean, it’d be nice to have the money, but I’m not that worried about it. It’s just one more hardship for him that I don’t want to inflict.
So today I’m feeling a little beat up emotionally and physically. Maybe it’s a good thing I’m going to therapy this afternoon.
September 4th, 2003
An interview for Sarah, one for each year of our friendship:
1. What exactly is a shrinkle?
2. What does being Canadian mean to you?
3. We’ve talked about tattoos but I don’t think we’ve talked about piercings. If you were to get a body piercing, what would you get? (And no, you can’t just say “But I don’t want any!”)
4. What is your favorite memory of me? (a popular question)
5. We’ve talked about going on vacation together. Where would you like to go if money and time were no object?
6. What are the five best things about being in grad school?
7. In what ways do you feel you’ve grown the most in the last nine years?
8. Remember sitting at the Phish concert reciting the major publishers and their ISBN prefixes? Yup, we’re geeks. What’s the prefix for Chronicle?
9. What do you need most from me?
This site took my breath away. I don’t know anything about the author other than what she’s listed on her site – and the fact that she links to me. But please, go read. It’s incredible. And so is this, which I know I’ve linked before, but it still astonishes and moves me.
Not much else to say today. Feeling particularly homeless, despite my sister’s best intentions. Nate wants his keys back by week’s end – and has already started to work out the divorce. We’re trying to work out the details of who gets what.
I finished Choke, last night and am now halfway through Lullaby, after which I’m going to STOP reading Chuck and go back to the stack of books from Shawn that are taking up so much room in my bag.
September 3rd, 2003
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