at times i feel like maybe i made a wish list of everything i wanted in a relationship and a partner, and maybe i’m finally getting what i asked for.
Archive for +1
some news
I’m on break at Aroma, eating a chicken quesadilla. I didn’t particularly want a chicken quesadilla, but I also didn’t want to throw it away when a customer’s order was wrong (not my fault) and I was hungry. Also, I just got a catering order. Suck,
This week has been filled with news + excitement + running around. So much stuff has been going on, and I just don’t even know where to begin. I’ve been spending all my time at school, with friends, on my bike, here and there doing everything – it’s wonderful and dizzying and not conducive to productivity.
Yesterday I found out that I’ve been accepted into the PhD program – no one seems to have doubted my application except me, which is wonderful, and I’m totally thrilled. I spent most of yesterday making a high-pitched squealy noise. After so much anxiety the last few months, it’s good to know at least where I will be and what I will be doing for the next 4 and change years. On a related note, I need to buckle down and spend more time on my work, even though I don’t have that much to do at the moment.
On Wednesday I bought my plane ticket (boleto) to Portugal – I’m flying Chicago > Montreal > London > Porto, at which point I will join the Camino Portugues and follow the coast (costa) north to Santiago. I can’t – I just can’t believe it’s really happening. I have a lot of saving to do between now and then, and a lot of working out, but it’s really happening. I’ll be gone most of May. I started Spanish lessons last night – Mike’s going for full immersion, and would speak French if I didn’t understand the Spanish (I speak NONE), and English only as a last resort.
There has been a lot of really good time with friends lately – watching silly TV, working out, dancing, designating new hangouts, sleepovers, plans for summer adventures. We tried to figure out – complete with colored pencils, lists, and terrible drawings – if Coachella was feasible (the line-up is amazing), but have decided instead to travel en masse to Bonnaroo instead – it’s closer, more reasonable, a better time, etc etc. I can’t wait.
Much to the surprise of all parties, I’m actually in a relationship. It is good and simple and easy and I am really happy.
home-ish
I will miss my porch when I move. I miss sitting on the glider on the weekends with Shawn, drinking coffee and reading. I miss lying on the steps in the middle of the hot autumn nights talking to Paul. I will miss just being there, watching life go by. I will miss walking around the corner of the house and seeing my things – my candelabra mounted on the wall, my wind chime, my pirate comic on the door – and knowing I’m home. I was worried when I moved here – especially after the break up – that this would never feel like my home, that it would always be his. There are still traces of him here – I lie in bed and watch the mobile and remember him fixing it for me when I thought it was ruined – I try to rearrange the furniture and remember stacking all his books on the floor the night we built the Babbitt’s bookcases – and so many more intimate things I don’t want to remember but sometimes flash in my head like a movie I can’t stop – but this is my home. Everything about it feels like mine, and while I’ve been so unhappy (for a variety of reasons) and cramped, I will miss it. But that’s a long ways off.
I’ve started to really like the idea of having a dog. I think it’s the weather that does it – the weather and my parents’ insanely ridiculous puppy. On a side note, she apparently is doing well in obedience school, though the blind and deaf dog did better at the “come” command today.
My small brother turned nine today. Nine. I can’t believe it. We had a conversation on the phone this afternoon. It’s so strange.
morning comes anew
Last night was the night I needed a week ago. I did my runnings around, then he suggested coffee and reading. We went to the Espresso on Goodwin and sat with our coffee and our books for an hour or two. We came back to my apartment and he rested for a while with his head in my lap and my hands in his hair. We lay in my bed and laughed about video games and bad movie trilogies. I took him home late, and smiled the whole way back. After a week of worry and stupidity and miscommunication, I think things are getting back to normal. Well, not normal necessarily – but good. It just feels right, having him here. And he can’t be my center, but at the same time I can’t help the way I feel when he’s next to me – and I think that’s really OK.
We’re listening to David Gray in the spider hole this morning. I forgot my training manuals in the car, but it’s OK. I’m drinking coffee and longing for sunshine. There are a lot of things kicking around in my head these days – possibilities, work, dreams, school, frustrations, life. Some things I’m going to keep for myself for now.
I’ve always been an odd combination of private and open – if you don’t know me, I’m fairly unreadable – but if you do, my whole life is an open book. This blog is sort of the culmination of those two things – many of you don’t know me at all – yet you know all these intimate and private things about me that I wouldn’t – or couldn’t – tell a person face to face unless they really knew me. It’s been said too too often, but blogs create an artificial sense of intimacy and knowledge – you feel like you’re a part of a stranger’s life. I guess since I’m so retarded at interpersonal communication, this really is the ultimate medium for me. But not everything is for you, and I think you understand that. :)
just easier
Friends are a good, good thing. Spent Sunday pm with Sarah and Hannah, watching movies and eating good food. Sarah and I put together a bookcase, and I gave myself a nasty blood blister. I needed the companionship after a long hard night and morning – I am eternally glad of them.
Yesterday was lots of working – at home and at work – then Sarah came over and Jonathan later. Randomness ensued, and the cats were implicated in some sort of conspiracy. Nice to just have people here hanging out.
Tonight was pirates and tacos with Michelle and Diana – Michelle and I talked about our boys and how we miss them and what we miss about them. She misses having fun with hers, misses his smell, misses him being affectionate. I’ve gone through many phases of missing in the last 2-3 weeks. I’ve missed his laugh, his voice, his gorgeous blond hair, sex with him, his companionship, just being quiet together, watching him get dressed in the morning, curling into his body in sleep. Right now my bed feels really empty, and I just want him here so I can sleep next to him. Only a little more time. Michelle’s boy is in Iraq. I can’t even imagine.
Anyway, it’s been good, having friends around. Makes the nights less empty, you know? Some days it’s good to have time to spare – and others I just crave human companionship. My cats are lovely, but they are lacking in the communication skills.
And things are better with the boy, too. I didn’t hear from him today, but we talked yesterday and it was wonderful. I sent him a package of randomness, which he received and enjoyed muchly. We talked about silly and serious things, and laughed. He emailed me late Sunday night setting some things straight, and I emailed back in the morning when I was feeling much more stable. Michelle said today that long distance relationships are really hard unless you know definitely where you stand before you go away. I maintain that they’re hard, even if you know definitely where you stand. There are some things (and I’m not even talking about the physical) that are just easier when you’re near. It’s been a strange week already, and some days the ache is damned near overwhelming – but I know – I know – that this is what I want, and that it is worth the heartache. If you’re reading this – you – I love you far beyond words.
In the rain I held his hand and finished my Christmas shopping. Dinner out, then reading and music in. Some tears with arms wrapped around me, but a sweet goodbye and a sweeter message later when he found out that he got an A on the paper. I will miss him so.
Damien
Damien. Rice. was. fucking. incredible.
Seriously, one of the best shows I’ve ever been to. Incredible. If you have the chance to go see him, GO. He is only going to get bigger. The venue was perfect – intimate – the music overwhelming – Damien fucking amazing – he covered the Buckley version of “Hallelujah” and “Glory Box.” I cried during Hallelujah and literally about lost it when he ended with “Glory Box.” What more can I say? Actually I probably will say more, but that’s enough for now.
After the show Shawn and I walked down Clark for a while – got some food at a pasta place – I had gnocchi in a rosemary gorgonzola sauce. Yum. We went to Neo – there were literally six of us there – two people dancing, two people at the bar, two people hanging out in the corner (us). I haven’t been there in so so long – I miss it. I love Neo because you can be anyone or anything there and no one cares. Tuesday night, around 11:30, and there was a guy in a skirt dancing in the middle of the empty dance floor – his girl sitting by the wall reading. After some wanderings around (and finding some horses!!), we located my car (I was parked on a not-through one-way) and headed home – I stopped for a Krispy Kreme donut. A wonderful, wonderful night. “I can’t take my eyes off of you…”
Dear Friends,
I’m not going to say that I’m back – I’m far from it – but I am here and I’m reading your comments and your emails and am touched by your love, your concern – many of you for someone you’ve never met.
I don’t quite have the words for the last week yet – longing and frustration, hurt and joy, fear and blessings, words and silence. A lot of living has happened in a small space. If I have the energy and strength I will write it all – or all that needs to be known. Some things must be kept for me.
Much love. Do not fear that I’ll be gone for long. I love you all – and writing here – too much.
E
sex
N and I talked about sex last night. Might not seem outrageous being that we’re married, but it’s something I rarely talk about. Once again, that may seem strange because I’m (or I consider myself) such a sexual person. I just don’t talk about it. Anyway, we talked about the ways we’re different – and I was amused that the ways we’re different are so stereotypical for our genders. He’s a visual person – and I’m so so mental. It was just funny. We talked for a long time, which was really nice, except that I was exhausted and totally ready to pass out.
I noticed this morning that I have made my mark on the house. How’s that? Books. Everywhere. In the spare room, Great Books on a folded quilt with a pencil for a bookmark – I was sprawled there reading last night. In my “office,” an edition of Eliot right on top of the answering machine – I was thinking Prufrock for the message. In the bathroom, The Animal Family – I was carrying it around and must’ve put it down there. In the living room, among the stacks, Orlando – I paused in my cataloging to read. In the kitchen, The Western Canon – again, must’ve been carrying it around. I’m making this place MINE, one book at a time.
Oh, and for those who have asked, yes, the hole in the street is better. It’s all gone, actually, and now they’re at work making more holes further up. Good times.